Still standing.

Jun 9

Well hey there.

I finally decided that maybe through my experience I can help other people. But before i can do that i need to tell you abit about myself. I am a sixteen year old girl, who has been through a hell of a lot; this however, is not what i am here to talk about. I am here to talk and share my stories, struggles and determination with my eating disorder.

At the age of 11, i developed bulimia nervosa, my whole life revolved around it. I was starving, binging and purging on a regular basis. The disorder came from nowhere, it hit me faster than I could help it and it only took a few weeks before i was in the grasp of the terrible illness. And yes, for those of you reading, eating disorders are a serious illness, not a choice or a vain attention seeking problem. For almost a year i struggled alone. I was in denial and was still, at this point, hiding my ed from my friends and family. I would go to extreme lengths to hide food, excersise, cover up my shrinkin body, thinning hair and bloodshot eyes; it could range from wearing baggy clothes, too spitting food out into an opaque cup during dinner, excersising in the middle of the night, it was like an addiction. Within the first 4 months i dropped from eight stone to a tiny six stone four, and within a year a was virging on five and a half stone. At a tiny five foot, I was exhausted and suffering mentally, physically and socially aswell as feeling an extreme knock-on effects to my academic study.

Until you have suffered, you can truely never understand. By the end of this first year I was now suffering from EDNOS, otherwise known as eating disorder not otherwise specified. This purely meant that was showing characteristics of more than one disorder but not meeting the full criteria of either or. It was at this point my friends intervined ( my family still having no clue as they were wrapped up in their own problems). A dear friend of mine had noticed my obsession with weight, calories and excersise aswell as my extreme weightloss and as an attempt to help one dinner force fed me a short bread…this was a very bad move, too any of you out there with a suffering friend please do not act in this way, it will only make things worse. I was that hysterical that day i had to leave, it was then something pulled from inside me, the force an eating disorder can have on you is so strong, you dont realise it until you see it. That night i woke up in the night, i could barely move or speak i was that tired, I struggled to even sit up ( my mum was away on holiday) but from somwhere deep down in my soul cane strength and i managed to get up frm that bad and run up and down the stairs one thousand times with oly two breaks. I was amazed at myself. I loved being tired, i loved the bones.

I will continue this tomorow.
It wont all be doom and gloom.

xoxox little gem.

Filed Under: All, Gossip, Real Life, Reviews, Spam, Stories, Television, Websites

no title

Jun 9

Well hey there.

I finally decided that maybe through my experience I can help other people. But before i can do that i need to tell you abit about myself. I am a sixteen year old girl, who has been through a hell of a lot; this however, is not what i am here to talk about. I am here to talk and share my stories, struggles and determination with my eating disorder.

At the age of 11, i developed bulimia nervosa, my whole life revolved around it. I was starving, binging and purging on a regular basis. The disorder came from nowhere, it hit me faster than I could help it and it only took a few weeks before i was in the grasp of the terrible illness. And yes, for those of you reading, eating disorders are a serious illness, not a choice or a vain attention seeking problem. For almost a year i struggled alone. I was in denial and was still, at this point, hiding my ed from my friends and family. I would go to extreme lengths to hide food, excersise, cover up my shrinkin body, thinning hair and bloodshot eyes; it could range from wearing baggy clothes, too spitting food out into an opaque cup during dinner, excersising in the middle of the night, it was like an addiction. Within the first 4 months i dropped from eight stone to a tiny six stone four, and within a year a was virging on five and a half stone. At a tiny five foot, I was exhausted and suffering mentally, physically and socially aswell as feeling an extreme knock-on effects to my academic study.

Until you have suffered, you can truely never understand. By the end of this first year I was now suffering from EDNOS, otherwise known as eating disorder not otherwise specified. This purely meant that was showing characteristics of more than one disorder but not meeting the full criteria of either or. It was at this point my friends intervined ( my family still having no clue as they were wrapped up in their own problems). A dear friend of mine had noticed my obsession with weight, calories and excersise aswell as my extreme weightloss and as an attempt to help one dinner force fed me a short bread…this was a very bad move, too any of you out there with a suffering friend please do not act in this way, it will only make things worse. I was that hysterical that day i had to leave, it was then something pulled from inside me, the force an eating disorder can have on you is so strong, you dont realise it until you see it. That night i woke up in the night, i could barely move or speak i was that tired, I struggled to even sit up ( my mum was away on holiday) but from somwhere deep down in my soul cane strength and i managed to get up frm that bad and run up and down the stairs one thousand times with oly two breaks. I was amazed at myself. I loved being tired, i loved the bones.

I will continue this tomorow.

Filed Under: All, Books, Exposed, News, Random, Real Life, Stories

Being “The Good Wife” isn’t always right.

Apr 15

I was 17 when a much older man named Randy was fixated on me. I’m was a Jr. in High school. He promised to help get me my own apt. At 17 that’s what every 17 yr old teenager wants. I was conned into moving in with this 15 year older man. Within a few weeks, he had me under his control. I was raped, abused, and had no place to go. I was a virgin. I never loved him, but thinking he loved me and feeling trapped I stayed. After few years of mental abuse he wanted to make it legal. We married. I felt I had no choice after being so messed up in my head. He made really good money and was very smart. I never knew how much until legal issue came up. He had control of paying bills, buying most the grocery’s, and kept all credit cards and checking book from me. I never got a degree. He wouldn’t allow it. Didn’t like me around other people. Although I’ve asked for a divorce he wouldn’t allow it. Due to me being treated like a child all my life by him, I believed him. Said that I would never make it on my own and I couldn’t ever accuse him of rape because we were married. 2 kids we have.

Sept. 8, 1999 on my 2nd child’s 3rd b/day I was woken @ 6:50 am by having my home invaded by police. They were searching every inch of the house. My kids and I were told to sit on the couch. We did for 5 hours. It was due to Randy computer hacking into “LA Co Office of Education” his employment. He had embezzled money and went through all employees emails for personal info. I was kept in the dark about most of that. During the search on home computer they also found Child Pornography. I was sicken by that but also now thought I had a way out of my marriage. I was so strong after meeting with the FBI agent and had planned out what I was going to say while driving home. Instead he pleaded with me to please stay by his side until trial was over and in return he would divorce me without issues. Give me anything I wanted.

He resigned from work where he was making back then $90,000.00 a year. I always thought we were living check to check. He always talked about us not having money. We only rented. Never had nice cars and never took expensive vacations. Cheap wedding ring and jewelry.

The computer hacking case had to be completed before they could start the child porn case. Total was 7 years of me waiting. But I trusted him and stuck it out. He now wanted me to work and he would be a stay home dad. I got a part time job with Disney. I never told anyone. Not even family. My family only knew about the computer crime. I was embarrassed of what others would think of me for knowing someone like him. I had no close friends.

Now he had only served 7 months of prison for child porn. He got off easy for the number of photos he had. I just wanted him out of my life. While I was on my own being a single parent I grew up a lot in that 7 months. I kept us off the street. Now we were struggling for money but we made it. Once he got out he went back to taking over all the bills, money, and trying to be in control of me. I kept asking for us to start the divorce but he never went for it. Instead he tried telling me more lies. Saying he was going to die. And If I would stay with him he would finally buy us a house. I didn’t go for it. But I was stupid and didn’t open myself a checking account until it was to late. He had been withdrawing money every time I got paid. He never paid any bills for 3 months. We almost got evicted and had guys come to reprocess my car.

The divorce started when I got an emergency restraining order on him. He had been stilling my mail, and items from my place while I was at work and kids were in school.

I was taken to court of false claims by him so many times every month that I never got to get child support or a divorce for a year. I almost lost full custody. It was what the kids said they wanted. But the judge had instead ordered me to pay him Alimony. I was ordered to pay him more alimony then he was ordered to pay child support.
August 2009 he was now again arrested for threatening me with a gun and being found with a firearm. He only got 3 years probation from being around me.

In 2007 we were now audited by IRS. I found out he had also cheated on what he claimed. A mortgage on a home. We never owned a home. And so much more. I’ve never had anything to what he claimed or did. He kept the tax returns. He did them over computer on Turbo Tax. I never even saw them. But I’m now going to Trial over his crime.

The person who I thought was in love with me, was actually getting his sex addiction with me. I had always looked younger then I was. I didn’t even know his real age until 12 years later.

I never been on a computer until the past few years. I’m learning for fist time how to use computers. I was always kept off them. He didn’t want me finding his child porn I guess. And When I would email my sister out of state he would always hack in to see what I wrote and who I emailed. I found my phone calls being recorded. I wanted again to leave but he again beg and get me to change my mind. I also had no money was felt I was stuck.

His plan worked perfect. I got the job. He now had no job. And I pay him alimony. The judge only favors him. He doesn’t seem to even remember what was said just 5 min before it was said. The clerk always needs to remind him.
I’m stuck, can’t get an appeal with a new judge. And I’m now not working but was ordered to find a job to pay him his alimony.

This is my story to anyone other female who isn’t happy in a marriage get out now.
Don’t try to do the right thing. It will only bite you in the ass and you will regret it.
I’ve been on so many anti depressants and still can’t get those sick child photos that was shown to me by the FBI agent out of my head.

I’ve given up on fighting.. I’ll let him take my life next time.

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